At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
