Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
