Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
