i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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