I want to walk on stilts...naked
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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