yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
