we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
