My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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