Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize