quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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