Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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