I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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