At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
