when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
