my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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