I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
