I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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