i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
