I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
