the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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