I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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