mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
