Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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