I just cut my nipple shaving
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
