What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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