I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
