omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You're like the curious george of whores
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
