cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
