And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
