Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize