I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
