FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
