Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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