I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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