Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
