Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
