Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
