He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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