My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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