i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
