watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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