so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Barsexuality is the new black.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
