hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
