my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
