i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
