dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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