Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
