miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
