her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
