You're so nebulous sometimes
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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