just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
