I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
