Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
