The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
